Forgiving What You'll Never Forget by Dr. David Stoop

Author:Dr. David Stoop
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: REL012000
ISBN: 9781493406395
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2016-11-21T00:00:00+00:00

The Path of Bitterness

The Path of Bitterness (see figure 2) begins just like the Path of Denial. There is an offense that results in hurt. We tell and retell the story; then we make a choice. People tend to choose the Path of Bitterness when they get caught up with wanting to understand the reasons for the offense. They think, if only they could understand why the other person did what he or she did, they could get over it and let it go.

Accused or Excused

In their search for understanding, those who choose this path often vacillate between accusing the other for the wrong he or she has done and trying to excuse that person for the wrong. There must be a reason, they tell themselves, and so they search for new information that would supposedly help resolve the issue. Although they may get new information that seems to clearly prove the other person guilty of the offense, there is still enough doubt to lead to a continued search. More information comes, and it seems to partially excuse the other person, but the pain remains. Back and forth they go between excusing and accusing in a self-perpetuating cycle.

Obsessed with the Event

Eventually the need to understand will lead to an obsession with the hurtful event. Sharon is an example of what can happen when one is driven by the need to understand something that really can never be fully understood. She and her husband Jack came to counseling about two years after Sharon discovered that he was having an affair. When Sharon confronted Jack, he immediately confessed and broke off the other relationship completely. It was almost as though he had been relieved to have been “found out.”

As is often the case, Jack was so full of guilt that he answered every one of Sharon’s questions, giving her far more details than she needed to know. The more she knew, the more she needed to deal with in her memory, but that didn’t stop her. She wanted to know why Jack had done such a hurtful thing, and Jack never had a very satisfying answer for her.

Since Jack couldn’t come up with good enough reasons why he’d had the affair, Sharon had lunch with the other woman. She had a list of questions and again got far more information than she could possibly process without a tremendous amount of additional hurt. Eventually she had lunch with the other woman again and asked some new questions. Again, the woman’s responses never even came close to answering the “why” Sharon was desperately seeking. When Jack would try to get her to let go of the matter, she would think he was simply trying to excuse his own behavior. Eventually Jack learned simply to keep quiet.

Sharon finally decided she and Jack needed to come to marriage counseling. She hoped the marriage counselor would be able to help her understand why Jack had done such a terrible thing. At first I tried to answer Sharon’s questions, but nothing I said really satisfied her.

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